When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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