Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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