and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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