can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I met the friendliest cop last night
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
