im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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