just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
