I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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