I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
