God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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