U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
