MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
