apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
