I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
my liver is dry heaving
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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