help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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