finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
