Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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