when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
