Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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