The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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