Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
