peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Cover your peen. We're going out.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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