If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
