Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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