I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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