he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
