Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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