I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
