Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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