My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
