You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
