Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
