addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
