Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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