im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
