And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
