i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
