i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
