i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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