the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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