All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
