I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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