I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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