i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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