his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
