I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
