I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
