maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
no, he came in my armpit
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize