someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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