i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
