i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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