On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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