ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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