Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
