I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And then he peed in my hair
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