I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
