I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
