dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
