We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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