I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
