Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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