a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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