This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
